Putting relationships first: building good relationships in adversity and conflict
The topic discussed was how to build and sustain good relationships in adversity and conflict and how we can manage stress and conflict creatively.
The opening speakers were Neil Denton, the co-founder of the After Disasters network at Durham University who has also been working with the Relationships Project on the Bridge Builder’s Handbook; and Roger Martin from the Mindset Difference, which works with people and organisations to help them find innovative new answers when disagreements inhibit progress.
Key points made by the speakers and participants included:
Bridging capital (ie relationships between different communities), unlike bonding capital (relationships between people), has been weakened by Covid if anything. There has been a growth of tribalism, for example over Brexit and in the culture wars, and some differences have become toxic.
Conflict can lead to innovation and if we can manage it well it could be an enormous game-changer.
It helps to find the shared objective and create a common objective – the ‘we not the me’.
Relationship building is critical to breaking down barriers between people.
Disagreements are inevitable but can be dealt with in healthy ways.
Listening is a critical skill - listening with ears and eyes and heart. Humans have a deep need to be heard but this is hard: everyone has their own filters and triggers and there can be pent up emotions and fears. Assuming good intentions on all sides helps as does curiosity and compassion. Hearing is not the same as agreeing.
Knowing oneself and understanding one’s triggers is helpful– we need to listen deeply to our own thoughts as well as to other people.
It’s important to create safe, courageous spaces to provide the creative conditions to find a way forward and where people are not phased by disagreements and difference. It’s the process and the journey that matter not the destination.
Here are the 5 principles from the Bridgebuilder’s Handbook drawn up by Neil Denton for the Relationships Project.
